When Blondes Plot or How Orochimaru Was Defeated
by TheArchives
Summary: [drabble CRACKFIC seminotquite crossover] Naruto has gone to get Sasuke back, but he's got a little help with him.


**When Blondes Plot **or** How Orochimaru Was Defeated**

By: Sly Omi

Disclaimer: Do I own Naruto? Sure - I've bought lots of Naruto related stuff. Do I own Sailor Moon? Well yeah - I've bought even more Sailor Moon related stuff than Naruto stuff over the years.

Raiting: G

Pairing: None

Warning(s): CRACKFIC AHOY. If you don't like drugs, or are allergic to large, concentraited doses of stupidity, this is not the sort of thing you should be reading.

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Word Count: 800

It was not, he would later reflect, one of his better days. He'd woken up late, entirely Kiba's fault thankyouverymuch, proceeded to find that he had no milk, and his favorite flavor of ramen had been finished. Then he'd gotten in trouble with Tsunade-baba, which led to his next assignment: Baby-sitting. He'd unfortunately made the mistake of letting his charge know his, and charge had yet to shut up.

_Comes from another world, they said. She's special, they said. Feh!_

"I am not a baby!" Usagi whined for the tenth time in the last thirty minutes.

"Could have fooled me," Naruto muttered, "You're as loud as Konohamaru, and you've got less than half his talent."

"Why are you so meeeeeaaaaan?"

"You're on my back, wailing in my ear, and won't get off."

The girl jumped off, stomping, "I'm coming with you!"

"No. No way in hell. You're not getting anywhere within five feet of that hole!"

"I'm already within five feet! I'm powerful! I can fight!"

"You're only within ten feet. Look – I don't care if you're the freaking queen of the world! You're not coming."

"I'll prove it! Watch! MOON CRYSTAL POWER – MAKE UP!"

Naruto stared in utter disbelief, his eyes wider than they'd ever been and his jaw to the ground. Usagi saw this and grinned, striking her pose. "Bet you thought I couldn't do that, huh? Well, in the name of the Moon, I'll show you better!"

The blonde ninja smacked his forehead into his palm, "I can't believe this." Sailor Moon preened. Naruto glared, "And they say that I'm an idiot. Lady, I don't know what planet you think you come from – but even I know that waving your arms around doesn't do anything; no matter how well-choreographed it is!"

"What?" Usagi looked down and realized that she had not, in fact, changed into her more powerful alter-ego. "Kyaaaaaa! Why aren't I changing! Luna, help me!"

"Who's Lu – gah, never mind! Shut up before you alert everyone and their mother!" Naruto snapped, clamping his hand over her mouth.

The girl's sobs were muffled, but the tears never stopped falling as the ninja sat with a huff and tried to come up with a plan that would get him into Sound without being detected.

_What I need is a distraction_, he thought, that'll keep me from being heard. Something somewhere clicked. He looked up, _A really ... good ..._ his eyes lit up as they landed on Usagi's tear-soaked face, _distraction_. He removed his hand. "I've got a plan. And you get to help me."

The water-works immediately stopped, "I told you I could help!"

"Of course," Naruto said soothingly, his mouth stretched into a grin of sheer foxiness. "Now, here's what you do ..."

(**insert space taker**)

Uchiha Sasuke was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, Naruto had been right about his coming to Sound Village. He'd yet to learn anything useful – he'd been sitting around and looking pretty for half a year. The shinobi huffed and crossed his arms petulantly. There was still time. He'd show the dobe that he knew what he'd been talking about. All he needed was a way to prove it.

An ear-piercing shriek of magnificent proportions wrenched through the air, and, incidentally, Sasuke's planning.

"What the fuck was that!"

"My baby-sitting charge."

The Uchiha made a noise (read: squeaked in fright), whirled around with all the dignity of an Uchiha who has been thoroughly snuck up on (read: none at all), and stopped, staring at the blonde hanging from the ceiling. "How the hell did you get in here!"

Naruto grinned, dropping down, "Cleverly placed distraction. Now let's go before she runs out of batteries."

"Batteries? What?"

"Shut up and start moving, bastard."

Maybe it was the serious look on Naruto's face (not likely considering there wasn't one), or maybe it was the manly way the blonde posed (I AM NOT GAY! Sasuke fumed), but the Uchiha felt compelled to follow the order. And run they did, never once looking back ... until they got to Konoha and blonde noticed that something was missing.

"Shit. I forgot her!"

"Forgot who, dobe?"

Naruto weighed the consequences of leaving her there, and smiled in a manner of satisfaction that cause Sasuke to shiver with a sudden chill down his spine, "No one important."

(**Meanwhile, in Sound**)

"Kabuto," Orochimaru said (shouted) calmly.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"

"GET IT OFF ME!"

But no matter how hard his faithful follower tried, Usagi persisted in holding onto his arm like a leech. A screeching, sobbing leech who absolutely reeked of goodness.

"What IS this thing?" Orochimaru shouted over the nose.

"I don't know, Orochimaru-sama. I've never seen anything like it – it's not in my cards."

"But I'm MELTING!"

And Orochimaru did the one thing Kabuto never thought he'd see. Orochimaru broke down and cried.


End file.
